Many people have complained that with so many absurd and depressing and generally awful things happening due to the fascist monsters running the United States “the writers have really gone overboard this season”. Yes, it can be comforting to imagine that we are all actually living inside some kind of dreadful television show, but if that’s the case, I’d prefer that the writing should be done by one of my favorite authors, not the hacks we have now.

You may have noticed the recent story in The Atlantic about joke FBI Director Kash Patel, who besides being incompetent (the first qualification for a role in the Trump Administration) is also a corrupt self-dealer who has abused his position to fly around the country with his girlfriend and who apparently works from home in Las Vegas at least two days per week. But everyone knows that stuff; the new revelations are that he is a paralytic drunk with his own self-branded hard liquor. It’s weird how the President, whose lifelong abstention of alcohol is literally the only good thing about him, makes space for boozers like Patel and Hegseth, but I guess the incompetence makes up for it?

In April, Atlantic reporter Sarah Fitzpatrick wrote an article about Patel’s shortcomings (“The FBI Director is MIA“) and published a follow-up piece this week (“Kash Patel’s Personalized Bourbon Stash“. Here is a brief excerpt:

Last month, I reported that FBI personnel were alarmed by what they said was erratic behavior and excessive drinking by Patel. (The FBI director has denied the allegations and filed a defamation suit against The Atlantic and me.)

After my story appeared, I heard from people in Patel’s orbit and people he has met at public functions, who told me that it is not unusual for him to travel with a supply of personalized branded bourbon. The bottles bear the imprint of the Kentucky distillery Woodford Reserve, and are engraved with the words “Kash Patel FBI Director,” as well as a rendering of an FBI shield. Surrounding the shield is a band of text featuring Patel’s director title and his favored spelling of his first name: Ka$h. An eagle holds the shield in its talons, along with the number 9, presumably a reference to Patel’s place in the history of FBI directors. In some cases, the 750-milliliter bottles bear Patel’s signature, with “#9” there as well. One such bottle popped up on an online auction site shortly after my story appeared, and The Atlantic later purchased it. (The person who sold it to us did not want to be named, but said that the bottle was a gift from Patel at an event in Las Vegas.)

Patel has given out bottles of his personalized whiskey to FBI staff as well as civilians he encounters in his duties, according to eight people, including current and former FBI and Department of Justice employees and others who are familiar with Patel’s distribution of the bottles. Most of them spoke on the condition of anonymity out of fear of reprisal.

Patel has distributed his self-branded bottles while on official business, including during at least one FBI event. He and his team have transported the whiskey using a DOJ plane, including when he went to Milan during the Olympics in February. One of the bottles was left behind in a locker room, according to a person who was there. (I reviewed a photograph of the bottle.) On the same trip, Patel was filmed drinking beer with the gold-medal-winning U.S. men’s hockey team—behavior that officials have said did not sit well with the teetotaling president. Patel defended himself at the time, saying he was just celebrating with his “friends” on the hockey team. 

And here it is again, but if J.R.R. Tolkien was in charge of the writer’s room:

Last month, I reported that Dunedain personnel were alarmed by what they said was erratic behavior and excessive drinking by Saruman. (The leader of the Council of the Wise has denied the allegations and filed a defamation suit against The Atlantic and me.)

After my story appeared, I heard from people in Saruman’s orbit and people he has met at public functions, who told me that it is not unusual for him to travel with a supply of personalized branded liquor. The bottles bear the imprint of the Orc distillery from Orthanc, and are engraved with the words “Saruman The White Leader of the White Council,” as well as a rendering of a wizard’s staff. Surrounding the staff is a band of text featuring Saruman’s title and his favored spelling of his first name: $aruman.  A fell beast holds the staff in its talons, along with the number 20, presumably a reference to the number of Rings of Power in Middle-earth. In some cases, the 750-milliliter bottles bear Saruman’s signature, with “#20” there as well. One such bottle popped up on an online auction site shortly after my story appeared, and The Atlantic later purchased it. (The person who sold it to us, one Grima Wormtongue, said that the bottle was a gift from Saruman at an event in Dunland.)

Saruman has given out bottles of his personalized whiskey to Uruk Hai staff as well as civilians he encounters in his duties, according to eight people, including current and former Uruk Hai employees and others who are familiar with Patel’s distribution of the bottles. Most of them spoke on the condition of anonymity out of fear of reprisal.

Saruman has distributed his self-branded bottles while on official business, including during at least one Istari event. He and his team have transported the whiskey in a caravan containing pipeweed from an uncouth location called “Shire”, including when he went to Fangorn Forest during the Olympics in February. One of the bottles was left behind next to the stumps of cut trees, according to an Ent who was there. (I reviewed a photograph of the bottle.) On the same trip, Saruman was filmed drinking beer with the fighting Uruk Hai before setting them loose on a mission to conquer Rohan—behavior that officials have said did not sit well with the teetotaling Dark Lord, Sauron the Great. Saruman defended himself at the time, saying he was just celebrating with his “friends” in the army of super Orcs he created by breeding Orcs and Men.

Much better! I mean, still awful, but better!

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